today its skrippapeauxs.tumblr.com co-created by mwoi..
I miss you, but you know that because i’ve told you before. Life is good. Bland, stale, boring and unexciting, but good. I’ve all but physically deleted our company, I can’t seem to bring myself to destroy our baby. I hope that one day we’ll all be on the same page and make it happen like it was supposed to. Though, with every day, that seems more and more unlikely. Did I mention I miss you? Because I do. A lot of times during our friendship I felt as if I was the one being taking for granted. Im sure i’ve complained countless times over trivial things, like waiting an extra 20 minutes for you to get off when I came to pick you up. Or how you seemed only to use your mojo when YOU needed it. Or how you walked the line, and never picked a side. Or how you were obviously my best friend but I was never sure if I was yours (Why that even matters idk but I added that in half way through the 4nd paragraph, so it must.) I try to focus on these things to keep steady composure, telling myself “it is what it is” or that “it was meant to be.” Maybe, or maybe not. I doubt it. I really dont think this is.
Over the past year I’ve learned so much about myself that I probably would have never learned with us being a duo. I learned that you were my crutch. Theres essential things I needed to learn to become an adult, that I always avoided because you were there to handle that part. Like forreal, I had to go out, talk to people, smile, shake hands, DRESS UP and all that social shit that i’m not built for. It damn near killed me, but I did it because it needed to be done. As well as every other little instance of not having my Ace.
Its hard putting my finger on everything thats missing, it pops up randomly. Like some things only YOU know the answer to, simple, and complex. Simple: Remember that white boy rap group we were gone off around the time we were messing w/ BST? One of them made beats? I can’t remember the name for SHIT! That little tidbit woulda been so helpful earlier this year. Or something more Complex: Like even though, life has moved on and its obviously that we dont need each other outside of the whole, friends since we were six, comfort zone thing.. do you feel as fulfilled with your accomplishments? Because I don’t. And I don’t know why. Isn’t the whole goal to be independent and all? Kuz goal accomplished, but yet im still unfulfilled. And theres no one really there to talk about this, except you.
This year i’ve also learned that I might be a little more complicated that I thought. I have new friends, but they bore me. None of them dream like we do. Most peoples ideas are modest, or just plain stupid. Most people arent as dynamic. Its either they like that bullshit fake conscious rap. Or some boring ass neo-soul or trap music and only trap music. I actually fucking miss Beyonce. And I havent listened to Sail Out just kuz.. I saw this pic of Albert Einstein recently that kind of summed up things for me.
Thats old Berto talking to his therapist. You see that face? That face is saying “How in the hell could you possibly understand me when you can’t even understand where these thoughts are coming from?” I told Juce that I would be crying and complaining all the way to the top. Thats when I realized “the top” isnt the goal for me. We could have been made it if you really think about it, our lane is STILL clear lol. The main goal for me is comfortability. And i’d much rather be sitting in Tracy’s attic right now, bouncing off ideas, dreaming of a master plan. Instead i’m writing this, passing time before I need to get ready to go to work in the morning.
I was hoping you’d done your fashion show by now. I need something to cheer for. I’m ready to be proud of you. If I cant be apart of the achievement at least I can smile about it.
Im not done, but this is getting long so I guess i’ll drop more on deaf ears a little later.. Funny i’m having trouble pressing publish.. guess I got all the thoughts out.. back to old ratchet chalee :)